Category: The Heart of The Matter

The Suicide Disease

You don’t know me.  You don’t know me well.  You don’t know me well enough to know that I suffer every single day.

I don’t show it.  I never complain.  Many, many people have lives far worse than me.  I mean, really…I am smart, funny, engaging, outgoing, successful and just an all around great person.

Yet I suffer.  There is a disease that is called “the suicide disease”.  You may know what it is.  You may not.  But it’s real.  And I suffer every single day from the debilitating effects of the sister to this disease.  And it is equally as debilitating.  It’s a neurological condition that has grasped the very core of my soul and turned my life inside out.

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It started as an eye twitch over eight years ago.  And now, years later….pain.  Uncontrollable muscle spams.  Suffering.  But nobody would know that this goes on for me because I choose to not complain and not be a victim.

“Known as “suicide disease,” trigeminal neuralgia, or facial pain, causes stabbing, mind-numbing pain in even a light breeze”.

Life has a way of handing us situations that make us better somehow.  Do I feel like a better person because of this disease?  Nope.  Not in the least.  But I have learned to cope in ways that most people cannot even imagine.  And I do.

Is it cancer? No.  Is it brain tumors?  No.  Is it something that puts a timeline on my existence?  Nope.  But it does make each day difficult in ways that feel more like an undercurrent than an all out death sentence.

 

Yet, I won’t complain.  I have so much to be grateful for.  Friends who care, family (what is left of my family) nearby, a fantastic career, a wonderful home, a sense of style and the list goes on.

After all, we are God’s creatures and we are given great opportunities to serve and be kind and help others be in a better place in life.  My thinking is:  “why not do that instead of complain”.

 

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I Told A Lie

Yes.  Me.  I admit it.  I told a lie.  And I feel terrible about it.  And not proud.

A colleague of mine – we’ll call her colleague A – shared something with me a few weeks ago.  In confidence.  And I assured her of my commitment to keep it under my hat.  She trusts me.  And I trust her.

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I spoke with another colleague the other day  – we’ll call her colleague B – and she confessed to me that she, in fact, went right to someone else with information that A shared with me.

This very information that A shared in confidence.  I shared with B and specifically told her that it was highly confidential.  I trusted B.  Come to find out, B shared it with someone else…that someone else turned right around and called A about it.  As one might expect, colleague A asked her who told her.  And she told colleague A that it started with me, specifically.   Citing my own name.

Continue reading “I Told A Lie”

Turning Pages

I am about 99% sure that this post was integral in a very recent (and by recent, I mean just this morning!) turning point in my life.

My struggles this year have been ENORMOUS. At times I gave up hope. Other times, I gave up altogether. Some days were so difficult that I found it hard to breathe. A friend described it as standing in a room with no doors. To hear that I’ll be a better person for the challenges that life brings did NOT resonate.

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I am still standing. Albeit, battered, bruised and not emotionally fully sure footed yet but I have felt a slight glimmer of hope. Finally.

I got on my knees and prayed, begged and asked for a sign. An answer or some message of love. And it came.

And I now understand.

And I AM better for it. And I have my own mother to thank.

And her message was and is so clear: let go of the non believers, do away with the tyrants, set the abusers free and forget about the passive aggressive behaviors that have become a constant projection from others that detract my otherwise happy, joyful and incredible life. And it freed me.  I felt a sense of peace that I have not felt this year.  Not once.  Until now.

Thank you. You cannot even imagine just how much this short passage impacted me in finally starting to feel whole again. The pieces are still scattered but they are starting to come together again.

I have to pay this forward in hopes that someone else might need to hear and feel this message.

You are never alone.

We are all in this together.

There is hope.

 

Shards of Glass Inside My Soul

So, 2016 so far has disappointed me in ways that exceed my ability to comprehend. 2016 has shaken me, stirred me, rattled me and made me question my religion, my faith and my beliefs.   In everything.  Including my very own incredible strength of character.

The year began so filled with hope.  However, I soon realized that I had I jumped onboard with a company that does not value the skills that I bring to the table. So, I found my backbone and I quit. Without a job.  And three weeks later, my mother was in the hospital.  And two weeks later…she died.  Without warning.  She was supposed to be around a solid 10 more years with me.  And now she’s gone.

So, I had a month of going back and forth to Cape Cod to deal with it all…mostly to put the pieces of my mother’s life back together so that I could lay her body of bottled dust to rest and make her proud of me one last time.

They are not pieces…they are shards.  Little tiny shards of glass spewed about the universe floating around my head, my heart and my life trying to find the other pieces to fit the glass back together.  I stand in the middle of this revolving glass spectacle with glass and bits constantly whirling about my head.  Every time I turn a new corner, a new shard plants itself into my soul and bleeds it dry for another day.

chaos

These shards, these decisions, these steps that I take every day to piece together my mom’s life amd ultimately get my own life back. The chaotic existence that has now developed into my new normal.  My mother would not want it this way – she wanted nothing but happiness, beauty, joy, success and love for my life.  Yet in her very turning from a vibrant, beautiful, energetic and fun loving human form to a mound of dust has, without warning, turned my own existence into a tunnel filled with shards of glass.  Tiny pieces of who I used to be begging to reconnect with millions of intricate glass fragments to become whole.

via Daily Prompt: Chaotic

Why You Should Tell Your Own Story

I have been a Managing Broker since 2010.  I have enjoyed the role, for the most part.  I have also, at times, felt like I was nuts for taking on the emotionally charged environment of a real estate office.

I know.  I know….I am not a victim.  I accepted the challenge.  It’s lonely at the top.

I never understood why anyone would step away from managing an office;  I have always been a leader.  I love to lead and develop people.  And with all of my incredible knowledge and skills as a real estate agent, there was nothing better for someone like me!  Success through others is something near and dear to my heart.  Why would anyone step away from that?  It baffled me for years as an agent.  I am driven, focused, results oriented and successful.  I always wanted more challenge….I thought everyone felt the same way about moving up the ladder.

Continue reading “Why You Should Tell Your Own Story”

My Broken Heart…

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One moment turned into a day.

One day turned into a week.

One week turned into one month.

One month turned into one year.

One year turned into two.

Two years turned to three, four, five….

I wish I could go back and change that moment.

I took it all with me…

So, I am reading “The Happiness Project”.

happiness
Sing in the morning?

I am just finished “Getting Started:  THE TWELVE COMMANDMENTS” and “Chapter 1:  Boost Energy VITALITY”.  And I had this moment.  You know the  moment.  The “A-ha”, the epiphany and the sudden inspiration of seeing a long awaited answer to “What-is-it-that-has- been- eating -away- at- my- soul?” moment.

I took it all with me.

Continue reading “I took it all with me…”

#PrayersforParis Why not Kenya, Beruit?

So…I have been seeing all the posts about Paris.  It has effected me.  Deeply.  I have been trying get some emotional grip as to why the Paris terrorist attack has reeled my heart into a debilitating state of fear.  My son and his fiance live in Chicago – a city that could very well be the target of such an attack.  My family is on Cape Cod – a long drive from where I now live.  My friends are located all over the world from LA to Boston to Florida to NYC to Italy to France and Canada.  I worry about such an atrocity in any one of hundreds of neighborhoods where I have emotional ties and bonds that are family or like family to me.  And I am here, in DC, alone with my puppies and no real network of support if something like this shows up close to home.   I never thought that being alone was a bad thing.  Until now.

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And I watch as the newsfeeds are peppered with atrocities that now include the bombing in Beruit a few days ago and the attack on the college campus in Kenya back in April.  Sadly, I knew nothing about either.  But we all heard about Paris.

I do not have answers to the question why – I don’t ask why anymore.  I do not have an understanding as to the logic here either.  I do know that we are americans and live in a country that is free from most terror and atrocities that occur in places like Beruit and Kenya.

When I did some research, I was horrified to learn that Kenya has been under seige since the 70’s when a nightclub was bombed in Nairobi.  The string of terror attacks has been prevalent in Kenya since that time with the most recent at Garissa University College where almost 150 young students were mercilessly murdered in their dorm by terrorists.

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Beruit, much like Kenya has suffered at the hands of terrorists for hundreds of years; and most recently experienced another tragic bombing at the hands of extremists who are proud to detonate a bomb contained in a vest and belt of a suicide bomber.

So, now we see all the outpouring of support for Paris yet nothing like it for Beruit and Kenya.  I had to wonder – it has become a very emotional and sensitive subject in the newsfeeds of all social media.

Paris, much like the US is a peace loving place to live.  Our lifestyle expectations are very much in line with what we actually experience.  We expect to sit at a streetside cafe to enjoy a latte with our friends and families without incident.  We expect that we can attend a concert among thousands of others who are passionate about heavy metal without incident.  I am pretty sure that our experiences of our day to day lives never amount to much drama beyond silly things like a friend acting stupid, a colleague acting direspectful or a child misbehaving.  That pretty much sums up our expectations of violence occuring in our daily lives.  We live a similar charmed life as the Parisians and the Italians and the Greeks and … and… and the millions of people who reside in countries where a suicide bomber detonating in the middle of a city center is such a foriegn concept. Beyond our wildest imagination.

Therein lies the root of the problem.  I wanted to simply understand. To wrap my head around this question.  Not ask why but to understand the cause and effect.  Because deep within me, I am feeling this remorse for not even KNOWING that Kenya has been suffering through terrorist attacks since I was a young child.  I had NO IDEA that a similar attack occurred in Beruit.

So why is Paris so heartwrenching?

Because Paris more represents the lifestyle that 90% of the free world comes to experience on a day to day basis.  No one lives the conditions or can relate to the tragedies of Kenya and Beruit.  The free world just shrugs its shoulders in a moment of acceptance for what has come to be commonplace in countries like Kenya and Lebanon.  The vast contrast is hearbreaking and embarrasing.  The news from Kenya and Beruit is always about war.  It’s about tragedy.  We are numb to the pain because we have come to expect that those places have found ways to deal with the trauma.  We just don’t know any better.

I don’t watch the news. I do not start my day researching global events.  I focus on things that I can control.  I cannot control bombs detonating around the world.  So, I focus on what I want to expand in my world.  I am wondering if social media and facebook has become a deteriment to our entire societal structure in every way possible.  Based on Paris, I would say that I am more and more convinced that shutting down social media will better our lives exponentially. Through the newsfeeds and sadness, we end up engaging the terrorists in ways that we do not intend.  But it’s happening and terrorists are happy about this effect on the global stage – they have twitter accounts for fuck’s sake!  They are winning the war by connecting to each and every one of us through #prayforparis post’s trending around the world right now.

What more do we need to wake up?

The world is a much more aware place than ever before.  Social media has connected us all in ways that we never thought possible.  I am pretty sure that what happened in Paris is going to be more commonplace for peace loving cities around the world.

And until we take a stand against ALL terrorist attacks then we’ll remain numbed out in the stream of newsfeeds and in our daily lives at the horror of 11/13 in Paris while simultaneously ignorant of the same attacks occuring daily in places like Kenya and Beruit.

And it needs to stop.

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I Let Go This Morning. Finally.

love and let go

It’s November 1, 2015.  I used to make a big deal of Halloween – creating costumes, planning an event in New York City with my NYC girls, taking the bus, staying out all night and making it a blow out event.

Last night, I read the last of an amazing book, did some chores, cleaned my closet, talked to a friend in need of a shoulder and went to bed at midnight.

Times have changed.

Continue reading “I Let Go This Morning. Finally.”

The Truth Shall Set You Free…..

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  1. That no matter how honest, kind and generous I am, people will believe what they want. Good or bad.
  2. So many people that I am surrounded by do not know me at all.
  3. Thankfully, so many more people that I am surrounded by know me SO WELL.
  4. I can be the best person I can be and the negative projections of others will mar that reputation in THEIR OWN MINDS. Learning that was big for me today.
  5. I am NOT a victim.
  6. I AM loved by many. I have mastered the skill of focusing on those who love me most. I love them back times a thousand.
  7. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am learning to understand that concept so much more deeply than ever before.
  8. I know what I am made of. I know who I am. And NO ONE can change my own self image of me.  No one.
  9. No response is far superior to anything I can ever say to persuade negative, self-serving ego driven minds to listen. They won’t.
  10. There are definitely two sides, and sometimes three, to every story. People believe what they want based on their own agendas. That has nothing to do with me. But I get it.
  11. Being happy and focusing on my own happiness can hurt others. For that, I am sorry.
  12. Hurt souls never understand and cannot embrace the needs of those around them. They are sad and hurt to begin with. Seeing beyond their own internal wall of hurt is nearly impossible.
  13. Today I learned who I can trust. And it’s a double edged sword.
  14. I hold myself to a very high standard.  I stopped expecting others to hold themselves to this same standard of excellence.  Not everyone operates at the same level of high accountability.
  15. Nothing can ever stop me from being the best version of myself. NOTHING.

30 Best Days.