It’s November 1, 2015. I used to make a big deal of Halloween – creating costumes, planning an event in New York City with my NYC girls, taking the bus, staying out all night and making it a blow out event.
Last night, I read the last of an amazing book, did some chores, cleaned my closet, talked to a friend in need of a shoulder and went to bed at midnight.
Times have changed.
As I scrolled through social media yesterday, I experienced this internal dialogue that sounded a lot like jealousy. Halloween has always been my FAVORITE holiday – over the last few years, the enthusiasm has waned to a shadow of days behind me. I did not even decorate this year. My front door was dark, I did not give out candy, I did not get to know a neighbor and I spent the evening in self reflection. When I woke up this morning, my first thought was “be thankful”. I have spent so much of my life wishing and hoping for things that did not exist: incredible wealth, a GQ model boyfriend, a huge home replete with 24 hour wait staff and a personal trainer, a job as an International trainer or a model or actress, fame, fortune and everything that goes along with it (to quote a fantastic Queen song “We Are The Champions”). And this intense mind meld has thwarted my ability to get where I am SUPPOSED to be. Talk about a moment.
If I spend my time envisioning and wishing for something that is just not meant to be for me then my entire world becomes a huge disappointment strung together by small insecure moments. I really got it this morning. Let go. That is what letting go means. Accepting that my life and the path are my fate and I need to accept the greatness that lies on that path. No, I am not a model or singer or actress B UT I get to go to a job every day and support the dreams of others. I have this crazy mad desire to support others in their goals and dreams. I am incredibly smart and live my life in pursuit of greatness for others – and that brings me great joy. Modeling? Acting? Singing? Dating a GQ Model? This morning, I realized that this is not my path. I have to stop living in sadness for what is not and start living in gratitude for what IS.
Sure, I can visualize my life in ways that are wonderful but in the way that is designed for me. Someone told me once that he wanted to be in a relationship that was comfortable and not “forced”. I never really thought about that until now. I want to be in a relationship with life that is not forced – my comfort lies in my own ability to accept and let go. Wishing for a different path is what causes me to live and breathe thoughts of jealousy and angst.
All this time I though that letting go meant letting go of what has happened and erasing every single event that occurred in the past from my mind. Letting go really means letting go of my own definition of life. Letting go is a function of acceptance. It’s that easy. What a moment I had this morning.
Letting go set me free. I can be far more amazing if I embrace my destiny. And believe me, finding this path has been a journey. But I am on it. Finally.