It Feels Like Fire…..

I remember clearly the day, almost 12 years ago, that I listened to this song and how it resonated with me in my life at the time.  At the time, this song made me cry so painfully to the point of breathlessly trying to inhale all of my sadness and despair.  The words rang so true in what I was going through and it was the most heart wrenching, soul shattering echo of my pain and complete and utter devastation.

I lay stretched out on a picnic table at a park watching parents and their kids flying kites and enjoying a beautiful fall day.

I looked up at the sky as if I were going to get some answer written in the clouds.  As if there would be this skywriter zooming past to say “wake up, Christina…the answer is right in front of you!!!”.

As I lay there, wondering what was to become of my life, I could not do anything but shed every ounce of sadness and grief that any one person could have.  I felt unheard, unloved, misunderstood and at the loneliest point ever in my life. And I cried.  Until I could not cry any longer.  Afternoon turned into night.  Night turned into morning.

I laid there, an entire night, grieving over something that I had no control over.  I felt like I was ready to bust out of my skin and scream at whoever was responsible.  I was so pent up with emotions yet I had no idea what those emotions were.  It seemed like an hour or two had passed when I realized that it was the next morning – day and night had passed in front of my swollen, blurred eyes.  Where had those hours gone? What was I doing?  I only know that I spent a good part of it beating myself up.  And asking why?  And not getting an answer.  Where was this almighty and powerful God when I needed him?  He could not have cared any less that I was hurting.  “This is not going to break me”!!!  I said this over and over and over again in my mind.  In my heart I already knew that I was broken.  Beyond repair.

Almost twelve years later I do now know that I have grown into a person with a deep appreciation for people.

I love to hear a person’s story.  What makes them tick, what kind of hurt have they had to endure in their lives, what made them a better person and what are they grateful for.  I’m guessing that my overwhelming curiosity is probably what makes it so easy for others to approach me with this kindness and generosity of spirit.

Because, when we search our soul and reach deep within to be a better person – we become that.  A better person.  And when I reflect on my sadness that day at the park and see who I am today – I know that I have so much to be thankful for.  I know, without a doubt, that God will continue to share all this beauty that I get to experience every single day in my life.  I no longer “write off” sweet interactions with people as “nothing”….I embrace them, and every new one every day, and thank God and my friends and my family as often as possible.  “Love you” has become part of my everyday vernacular….and it feels good to share that love with others rather than beg for it from a man who knew nothing of the word.

Being alone does not make it any less beautiful, after all…I have friends to share such beautiful things with me.  I focus on that.

And this is the song that I listened to over and over again that day at the park…..

Feels Like Fire

I’m telling you it’s over/Now there’s an angel/Holding me/My way’s easy/Even if you’re fallen/Oh you’re struggling/There’s still beauty/In what we do/

So que sera/Let’s go sailing on/There’s a wise man/In every fool/

I say come back/Come in from the cold/Into the warm/I feel like fire/Guiding you back home/As darkness falls/

So everyone stands in line/Cos they wanna stay alive/To wait alone/No dog no bone/And then you find it’s over/Still it tears your heart/To slip away/From the crowd/

But if you have/What it takes/To return to where/All the world/Knows your name/Then que sera/Let’s go sailing on/There’s a wise man/In every fool/

I say come back/Come in from the cold/Into the warm/I feel like fire/Guiding you back home/As darkness falls/

So everyone stands in line/Cos they wanna stay alive/To wait alone/No dog no bone/And then you find it’s over/Still it tears your heart/To slip away/From the crowd

But if you have/What it takes/To return to where/All the world/Knows your name/Then que sera/Let’s go sailing on/There’s a wise man/In every fool

I say come back/Come in from the cold/Into the warm/I feel like fire/Guiding you back home/As darkness falls/I say come home/Leave it all behind/And settle down/I feel my love/Can give me what I want/For all time/

And then I listened to “Thank You” from Dido…it was the best day of my life 🙂

30 Best Days.

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